Let’s get real about sharing!
April 2025
Sharing can be one of the most challenging concepts for children to grasp. From a developmental perspective, we don’t expect young children to share generously. Instead of focusing on sharing, we should consider using the term "turn-taking." While they may seem similar, sharing and turn-taking are actually quite different. Neither approach is inherently right or wrong, but if children struggle with sharing, practicing turn-taking may be beneficial.
With sharing, limits are set by an outside force, and sharing often puts a time limit on the amount of time the child has the toy. Sharing also requires parents or teachers to be present to mediate. On the other hand, turn-taking is child-directed, and it equips children to resolve battles on their own. It’s important to remember that sharing and turn-taking are complex skills that take time, practice, and modelling to learn.
While children are social beings from birth, this doesn’t mean they are born with the skills, ability and concept of sharing. Children develop through stages of play – unoccupied, solitary, onlooker, parallel and cooperative. But even when children reach the ‘cooperative’ stage of play, doesn’t automatically mean they know how to share!
When children play with others, it's common for incidents to occur that lead to frustration, disappointment, and hurt feelings. Our expectation that children should inherently "know how to share" can hinder positive learning outcomes. If we place too much pressure on them or assume they possess these skills, we risk setting them up for failure.
1. Teaches Patience
Patience is another complex skill our children need to learn, and turn-taking can help them begin to learn about patience and how sometimes they need to wait their turn.
2. Takes Away the Toy’s Power
When we force our children to share their toys, it means we are constantly setting timers and telling them they have to give the other child a turn in X number of minutes. The problem with setting timers is that many children don’t actually understand the concept of time yet, and when the timer goes off, they will still be upset because they weren’t finished playing with the toy. If we give them the ability to choose when they are done with the toy and when they want to give the other child a turn, we are taking away the toy’s power, and we will begin to see less and less challenging behaviours around giving toys up.
3. Allows the Child to Feel Good – Positive sense of self
Turn-taking allows the child with the toy to feel good about giving it to the other child, rather than feeling angry because they have to give it up before they’re finished playing with it.
“Ruby you wanted to play with your cars, but you noticed Anne wanted to play with the cars, too! You gave her a turn with one of your cars and played together. You both looked like you were having so much fun. That was cool to watch!” This discourse is linked to intentional teaching. Being intentional with how we notice and respond to children supports their learner identity.
4. Children Learn You Don’t Always Get What You Want
Just like learning about patience, it’s also essential for our children to understand that they aren’t always going to get what they want. When our children are upset about not getting a turn right away, we can acknowledge their feelings while also letting them know that the other child is still playing with the toy, so they will have to wait until the other child is finished.
5. Encourages Independence
When we use traditional responses to sharing, like timers and giving up the toy, children rely on us to answer them. When we model and encourage turn-taking with our children, they begin to do this independently and are well-equipped to resolve issues with their peers on their own!
If you’ve gotten this far, you are probably ready to hear how you can start teaching turn-taking.
Practice, Model, and Encourage
One of the biggest things we can do to help young children with taking turns, is to practice with them, notice the good out loud, and model it. We want to try and focus as much time and energy as we can on the behaviours we want to see more of!
We try not to focus too much on ages and stages, but for the purpose of this, let’s break it down to see how turn-taking can naturally progress. Children can start learning to take turns around the age of 2, but they usually require substantial adult guidance and support to fully understand the concept. Two-year-olds are just beginning to develop “theory of mind”—an understanding that other people have different thoughts and feelings than their own. Most children become more skilled at taking turns between the ages of 3 and 5.
Early stages (around 18 months):
Children can start to understand basic turn-taking concepts through simple games like peek-a-boo or rolling a ball back and forth.
Around 2 years old:
Most toddlers can begin to attempt taking turns with toys, but might still need a lot of prompting and support from adults.
By age 3:
Children generally have a better understanding of turn-taking and can participate in more complex turn-taking activities with peers, though they may still struggle with sharing highly desired items.
